This is a concept I’ve been wrestling with for a while, and I think I’m finally wrapping my head around it. It’s the idea that we, as parents, should focus on the long-term outcomes of our actions while balancing the need for short-term results—rather than being overly committed to specific parenting “tools.”
Let me explain. Parenting is about navigating the situations we face daily. Sometimes, it’s about stepping back and letting things unfold. Other times, it’s about stepping in and influencing the outcome. Finding that balance is, in essence, what parenting is all about.
There are countless parenting books and strategies out there, each offering techniques or methods to address specific challenges. These resources are invaluable, and I believe we should consume as many of these ideas as possible to expand our parenting "toolbox." However, having a tool doesn’t mean we should use it indiscriminately. The tool we choose should always align with the result we’re aiming for. This is the essence of results > tools.
From my observations, parents sometimes use tools simply because they’re convenient or solve an immediate problem. While this makes sense in the moment, it can be short-sighted. Some tools, though effective in the short term, can create long-term problems that undermine our ultimate goal: raising capable, fully functioning adults.
What Does It Mean to Be Results-Focused vs. Tool-Focused?
To be results-focused, we must first define what “results” mean. I like to think of results in three categories:
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Immediate Results - What happens in the moment. This is where we choose a tool to address the current situation.
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Short-Term Results - What lesson is being taught or learned? Ideally, the child begins to internalize the experience, so when the situation arises again, they can draw from it to act appropriately. This is when the effectiveness of the tool starts to show.
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Long-Term Results - What habits or behaviors are being built over time? These are the enduring outcomes of using effective tools and modeling the behavior we want to see in our children.
An Example
Let’s say your child is acting out in a restaurant. The problem is clear: you want them to calm down, be respectful, and eat with the family. Here’s how two different tools might play out:
Tool Option #1: The Phone - You hand your child a phone with a game or movie. It works instantly because the device distracts them and redirects their energy. In the moment, this is an easy and effective solution.But what about the short and long term? The child learns that acting out results in being pacified by a dopamine-triggering distraction. They don’t develop the skills to sit quietly at a table or engage with the family. Over time, this can create a person who struggles with boredom, and inability to self-soothe, or focusing without being stimulated.
Tool Option #2: Active Engagement - Instead of handing them a phone, you use a strategy tailored to your child and your relationship with them. This could be:
- A stern look, followed by a calm conversation later.
- A gentle hand on their shoulder and eye contact to redirect their focus.
- A playful distraction, like a “magic trick” with the salt shaker.
- Taking them outside for a brief walk, connecting with them, and getting them excited about the meal.
These options require more effort but address the issue while reinforcing the expectation of sitting with the family. In the short term, they learn that staying focused an engaged at the table is a core part of the dining experience. In the long term, they internalize the value of family meals and the importance of being present without a phone.
The Takeaway
Immediate problems often require tools to address them, but the tools we choose should align with the medium- and long-term outcomes we desire. As intentional parents, when we use tools we must ask ourselves:
- What will be the long-term effect of this action?
- Does this align with the kind of adult I want my child to become?
- What lesson will they internalize a month from now if I use this tool?
- Does this tool effectively address the current situation in a way that supports my long term goals in parenting?
The tools are a means to an end, and the end should always be about raising thoughtful, capable, and independent adults.
Results > Tools.
